


His Home

by Ryu_Reikai_Akuma



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: F/M, M/M, Marriage, Past Relationship(s), Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-07
Updated: 2014-07-07
Packaged: 2018-02-07 17:30:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1907676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ryu_Reikai_Akuma/pseuds/Ryu_Reikai_Akuma
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After decades of being away, Thorin return to Ered Luin. On the way, he thought of the past and the dwarf he had missed out on.</p>
            </blockquote>





	His Home

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: Nostalgia
> 
> Additional challenge: "ice on [his] lashes"
> 
> Uh. Yeah. I wasn't in a happy state of mind when I wrote this, so consider yourself warned. Also, this features winter and autumn. I have never experienced those in my life, so there's probably some inaccuracy. Enjoy?
> 
> Publication date changed because this didn't appear on ao3 page (originally posted 6 July 2014). Sorry for any confusion.

When Thorin reached the entourage which would accompany him to Ered Luin, Fili was already there, waiting for him. To others the crown prince looked nothing out of ordinary but Thorin knew him well. He could tell Fili was fidgeting in excitement. His eyes sparkled and his smile widened, eager to be on the road. Thorin couldn’t blame him.

“Is everything ready?” He asked his heir, looking at the soldiers and the carts carrying their provisions.

Fili nodded quickly. “Yes. We’re just waiting for you.”

Thorin smiled and patted his shoulder. “Let’s not waste time, then. Our journey will be long enough even without unnecessary delay.”

However, delay was inevitable. The group, led by Thorin and Fili, walked slowly as it passed the city of Dale, where people waved and cheered for their king and crown prince. Thorin smiled and nodded to them in acknowledgement, grateful to have this support after what he had done to ruin their trust. Next to him, Fili did the same but with restlessness, clearly impatient to go faster so he could see his brother.

Many thought Fili was the opposite of Kili, the day to his night, the control to his unbridled passion. But Thorin had seen them grown together. He knew that they were more similar than they appeared. Fili was indeed more self-possessed, a product of his future responsibility. There were times when he slipped as he tried to temporarily escape his burdens but he always managed to repair the damage, proving himself once again as someone to trust and follow. He would be an admirable leader. Thorin had no regret choosing him as his heir.

Kili on the other hand had little care for his position in the complex politics of Middle Earth. Kili followed his heart as faithfully as he followed his king. He did whatever pleased him, getting himself in trouble more than a few times. In the beginning Thorin had tried to discipline him but more and more often he relented to Kili’s guilty look and carefree smiles. His violations were no longer viewed as offenses but refreshing changes. He was sincere and innocent even as a prince and a warrior. He shouldn’t have been, but somehow he was.

Thorin thought of the many times he had been persuaded to laze in a flower field under the sun. It was a behavior nearly unheard of amongst dwarfs who preferred to be close to the earth and shrouded by darkness. Yet, it suited Kili very well and Thorin couldn’t deny him that. Uncountable days of summer were spent with him singing or telling stories until Kili slept and Thorin could carry him home. As he grew older, these quiet moments became scarcer but still Thorin relished the rare times he allowed himself to be convinced to leave his duties behind and enjoyed what he had fought for.

Thorin closed his eyes and in his mind he could smell the fragrant smell of flowers and fresh grass, he could feel the sunlight kissing his skin, he could taste the sweetness of wild berries Kili used to lure him out of his study, he could hear the melodious singing of birds in the distance, he could see Kili’s playful and fearless smile. He could feel the yearning to reach out, to hold, to protect, to love the prince, the warrior, the dwarf, Kili.

The group sped up as they left Dale. Thorin smiled, looking forward to seeing Ered Luin again.

* * *

Unease disturbed Thorin when the Lonely Mountain was hidden from view for the first time in the journey. There was illogical fear of never seeing it again. He returned to the day he was chased away from his home by dragon’s fire. He had looked back many times then, angry, aggrieved, and scared. He had wanted to return, reclaim what was his, but they had been weakened and nothing good would come from a thoughtless attack. He had been banished from home, perhaps never to return. Thorin closed his eyes and forced himself to calm down.

“What was it like?” Kili asked as he stood beside Thorin at the peak of the Blue Mountain. “Erebor. What was it like?”

Thorin tore his eyes away from the east and glanced at him, the young dwarf unburdened by the horrors of the past and uncertainty of the future. “Have I not told you often enough?” Thorin asked back gruffly as he turned away, not in the mood to entertain his nephew’s curiosity. “Ask Balin for a picture.”

“Not how it looks,” Kili said loudly to stop him. He waited until Thorin looked at him before continuing. “What was Erebor like as a home to you?”

Thorin glared at Kili but the young dwarf held his gaze confidently. Many dwarfs would cower before Thorin when he was in this mood, but not Kili. At least not easily. Thorin considered leaving but something prompted him to stay, to speak.

“It’s the safest place I’ve ever known. The mountain shields me, protects me from any danger. The stones never betray me. Erebor may reach high to the sky and deep to the earth, but it never leads me astray. It’s marked with reminders from the past, warnings of mistakes to not be repeated, suggestions of expectations to be fulfilled; endless lessons for the future. Its darkness and vastness intimidate some, but they are comfort to me for in it I know great joy is hidden. It raised me, made me who I am today.” And now it was taken away from him.

Kili looked at him quietly as he spoke these words, looking longingly to where his home was. “I’m sorry that you’ve lost your home,” He said quietly.

“It’s not your fault,” Thorin said in a heavy sigh.

“No, it’s not,” Kili said, “Until I can help you take back Erebor, is there anything I can do to please you? To make you feel at home?”

Thorin shook his head. “You can’t just _make_ a home, Kili.”

“I will try anyway.”

Foolish youthful optimism. Thorin had spoiled him too much, hadn’t shown him enough of the harsh world, had allowed him to mistake dreams for reality. Yet, Thorin felt drawn to it, to the little fantasy his sister-son believed and lived in. He had no such opportunity in his youth. Reality wasn’t kind to crown princes. Thorin’s guts twisted with forbidden hope, Kili’s unwise offer undid his control. Even kings could be tired of carrying burdens on his own.

“Can you be my home, Kili?” He challenged. He watched Kili’s eyes widened in surprise. Apprehension was written all over his face. Clearly, he hadn’t been expecting this reply. His eyes flickered away in doubt but instead of clarification saw only the great blue eastern sky. Thorin’s breath hitched when he didn’t run away.

“Tell me what to do,”

Nothing. Everything. Thorin never really knew what he wanted when it came to Kili. Back then even he had been shocked by the outcome of the conversation. His first request, companionship, had been given and received tentatively. For weeks Thorin had been plagued with worry that he had been taking advantage of Kili. He still remembered his relief when Kili had first laughed freely before him in private. He remembered the way Kili had tested how close he could get to Thorin and his grin when he had discovered no boundary. He remembered the first time Kili had held his hand, his curious caresses when exploring touches relatives shouldn’t share. He remembered the peace in his heart, the warmth in his soul, the calm in his mind. He remembered clearly his new _home_.

Thorin opened his eyes. Glancing back, the Lonely Mountain was still not in sight but he no longer worried. He looked back to the road, tension leaving his tired body. His other home was ahead.

* * *

Leaves on trees had turned red and yellow by the time Thorin reached midway to Ered Luin. At the pace they were taking, it was predicted that they would arrive at the start of winter, something which unsettled some of the less experienced dwarfs in the group. No one wanted to travel in the cold, where roads were hard to travel and the elements were against them. Thorin decided to hasten, not wanting to risk travel in the cold season and not entirely for safety reason.

Thorin could tell Fili thought of it, too. Decades ago they had left Ered Luin in summer and arrived in Erebor in winter. The fact that their current situation was the reversal of that didn’t escape them.

It wasn’t just time. The road was now safer. There weren’t any threat and unexpected detour. Everything went according to the plan Thorin and his guards had meticulously made. Provision wasn’t rare. Comfort was available. It was impossible for Thorin to not draw any comparison with the journey which had taken him home. This was how the quest should’ve been.

Sometimes at night Thorin walked around the camp, inspecting the guards and making sure that there was no danger to be worried about. Sometimes Fili joined him. Two restless souls they wandered in the dark, reimagining the past in silence. Most of the times Thorin preferred to be left alone, pondering what could’ve been, how different things might’ve been had everything gone as smoothly as this time.

The quest had affected the less experienced dwarfs in the company. Uncertainty had corroded the morale; exhaustion hadn’t helped anything. Thorin hadn’t missed how Dori and Nori had paid closer attention to their youngest sibling, a common interest which inadvertently brought them closer. Bifur had become more unpredictable, forcing Bofur and Bombur to keep their eyes on him at all times. Balin’s skepticism had grown with each passing day. Gloin’s fiery temper had flared more and more often. Only Oin and Dwalin had remained mostly unaffected, focused on their goal, their experience aiding their control although that control, too, had gradually weakened. Fili and Kili spent more time huddled together, sharing courage and strength. As for Thorin…

To this day he still wondered if anyone had noticed how he had sought Kili’s companion, how he had stayed close to Kili as much as possible in the guise of protecting him. He wondered if anyone had seen the stolen kisses, the hidden touches, the loaded gazes.

“How much further is it?” Kili had often asked as they lay on the cold hard ground, hands touching under the blanket. He had looked and sounded tired, still determined to reach the Lonely Mountain but wary of the great, possibly grave, danger surely awaiting them.

“Not that far away now,” Thorin had always lied, before pressing soft kisses or touching with cold fingers to distract themselves from the unpleasant truth. “Be strong. You have done so well,” He had often whispered to Kili’s skin, an encouragement for both of them.

Kili had listened. Kili had obeyed. His loyalty was immovable, his bravery unquenchable. He had been part of the reasons of Thorin’s success in returning to his old home and defending it. A couple of decades later, in the dark and quiet night in the middle of the wilderness, Thorin smiled at the bittersweet memory. He wondered how many knew that.

* * *

It was strange to see Blue Mountain in the distance. There was relief from knowing that the journey nearly came to an end before winter, but it wasn’t what Thorin felt when he first laid eyes on the Lonely Mountain.

He supposed this was quite strange. He had built the colony of Ered Luin with his grandfather and father. He had seen it started with a group of refuge who desperately tried to survive from day to day until it grew into a prosperous dwarf town. He had seen it at its worst and its best. He had fought to protect it and develop it. He had spent many decades there building a life for himself and his people. He should feel some kind of attachment to it, but he didn’t. His heart and his mind were in Lonely Mountain, in Erebor. Ered Luin, no matter how beautiful and prosperous, wasn’t where he belonged. Kili felt the same about Erebor.

“It’s your home now,” Thorin had told him when they first set foot into the kingdom. Even that moment there had been doubt in Kili’s eyes, and not just because of the changes happening to Thorin.

Thorin had done anything in his power to create a new home for Kili. He had arranged for a room identical to what he had left behind in Ered Luin, built archery grounds, recovered the forest for future hunting grounds, and many others. He had showered Kili with the best of everything, items and privileges he should’ve had but Thorin hadn’t been able to provide in Ered Luin. Still, there was something missing.

Now, as Thorin approached Ered Luin, he thought of the times Kili had contemplated the changes in his life. He thought of the way Kili had looked at his new robes, weapons and armors; the way Kili had gone for hours if not days to explore the mountain and the land around it; the way Kili had laughed and shook his head at the sight of sea of gold; the way he had studied life in Erebor and Dale; the way he had looked at the western sky in silence.

Now as the gate to Ered Luin was within sight, Thorin thought of the nights they had spent in his bed in Erebor., the nights Kili had spent hours awake before succumbing to sleep, the nights Kili had tried to make Thorin his new home the way Thorin had made him his other home. He remembered the night Kili had whispered in a voice roughened by spent passion, “It’s different.”

People of Ered Luin cheered to welcome their king and crown prince. This time, both Thorin and FIli were hard-pressed to not show their impatience to meet the young lord of Ered Luin. Thorin looked at the mountain that had housed him for decades and found that he was able to notice the changes Kili had undoubtedly performed. He looked at the changed town, the new faces he didn’t recognize, the joyous atmosphere free from the burden of vengeance, and felt slightly disoriented. Until he saw the familiar dwarf waiting just in front of the gate leading to his hall.

Fili quickly dismounted his horse. There was a wide smile on his face. For a moment it seemed as if he would forget formal protocol and run ahead of Thorin and embrace his brother. However, he caught himself in time and stopped, although he held Kili’s gaze, communicating his happiness wordlessly.

Thorin moved slower, taking in the changes in Kili. He was no longer a rebellious youth. His beard had grown, his hair was braided, his body broader, his eyes wizened. There was still something playful in his smile, but it was now controlled, minding the fact that they were in front of hundreds. Kili smiled gently when Thorin approached him. He bowed his head as a sign of respect before meeting Thorin’s eyes with the kind of familiarity no other dwarf had.

“Welcome, Thorin.”

Though he still felt as if he was a stranger, Thorin felt more at ease. He returned Kili’s smile. He had found his home again.

* * *

Thorin was amused when he was given his old room. Apparently instead of moving there, Kili chose to create his own wing. He claimed the area was only for the King under the Mountain and his heir and as he was neither, he would find a new place somewhere. Thorin knew Fili spent more time in Kili’s section than in the room assigned to him but he let the brothers be. They had been separated for too long. There was a lot to share and discuss and their time was limited.

As for Thorin, he kept to himself. He saw Kili when opportunity permitted it, but he didn’t seek his sister-son. Kili had a lot to arrange and think about. Thorin’s presence, even though he wasn’t doing anything, had added pressure to his tasks. The last thing Thorin wanted was to cause him more stress than necessary. This was supposed to be a happy time.

Thorin warmed his hand with the fire in the hearth in his room. Winter was here although snow hadn’t fallen yet. Fili had complained about Kili’s abominable choice in timing but Thorin thought he understood. Two decades ago in this season they had found the true meaning of regret and grief. Those who had been in the battlefield would never fully leave the day, it came to them once in a while, especially in winter. Now, Kili wished to rewrite the memory with something happy, something to be recalled in the decades to come with a fond smile.

As he swept his gaze around the room, Thorin couldn’t help but think of the first time Kili had spent the night there, first innocently, then not. He thought of the stories they had shared in front of fire and the laughter the walls had echoed. He thought of whispered secrets and promises. He thought of peace and contentment, of having just enough, of not wanting more than what he had had in his arms at the moment. His heart ached with yearning. He wanted to see Kili, talk in depth of what they had missed, hear him speak of his adventures and mishaps, give him encouragement, take some of the comfort he radiated, steal just a moment in time.

There was a knock on the door. Thorin smiled to himself. He was stalling. After a glance to the mirror to make sure his appearance was perfect, he left his room. Soldiers and attendants waited for him outside and he let them led him to the great hall. It was a good thing someone took him there. His memory of the place was hazy, the changes Kili had made didn’t help. While the place still had his name (and it always would, Kili had promised when he personally showed Thorin to his room, spreading warmth across Thorin’s chest) it was nearly as good as a strange location to him. It should be a second home, a temporary home, but it was just a large house to Thorin. He had only been there for a little over a week, but he already missed Erebor.

Unwittingly, Thorin’s recalled the day of Kili’s departure from Erebor. Thorin had watched him pack his belongings, neither offering assistance nor asking for reconsideration. Decision had been made and he had to respect it, no matter how difficult.

Kili had kissed him long and sweet, savoring the moment, committing it to memory. Or at least that’s what Thorin had hoped for him to do.

“Write me letters. Visit me when you can. Or, I can visit you. I’m allowed to come, am I not?” He had implored. It would’ve been easier for Thorin to deny him kindness of not for the deep regret in his expression. Thorin hadn’t been the only one in pain.

The door to the great hall opened. The guests, consisting of his closest friends and relatives, bowed and curtsied when Thorin walked past. He found his seat in the front row beside Fili’s and sat down. He studied the platform in front of him, the banners carrying his family symbol, flowers, gold ornaments, and written ancient prayers and strangely didn’t think of the moment as what could’ve been. Thorin smiled when he heard the door open once again. He waited patiently as several footsteps approached him, the unhurried progress mirroring his heartbeat.

Then, Kili bowed to him, calm and confident. By his side was his chosen bride, a beautiful dwarf who shared Kili’s perpetual happiness and determination, a lady strong enough to carry him when he felt down, to right him when he was wrong, to give him happiness and erase his sorrow, to love him always as her One.

Thorin nodded to give his blessing and watched the couple climbed the platform to be formally wedded. Thorin watched the proceeding serenely. This was how it should be.

* * *

The party was a little wilder than Thorin expected, but it had been a while since a Durin’s son was married and the excitement was high. It was obvious that this had been predicted as musicians played their instruments tirelessly and pates and goblets were never left empty. The guests took turn giving their congratulation and well wishes to the newlywed, sometimes more than once. They seemed to be constantly only a few glasses away from riot, but surprisingly everyone was able to remember their manners although this didn’t seem to be noticed by the newly married couple.

Kili and his new wife conversed in whispers and giggled at something no one but them knew. When he thought no one was looking, Kili kissed her cheek and the back of her hand. Her blush made him laugh and he allowed her to playfully chide him for his lack of decorum. When he looked at her he seemed as if he had found the answers to every question he had ever had, as if he had discovered what he had been searching for. Thorin had no doubt that this was true.

As the party continued, Thorin snuck out undetected from the hall and to a quiet balcony. The night wind was chilling and made worse as he wasn’t wearing clothes for the season. Still, he stayed there, away from the joy enveloping the room.

Thorin looked to the direction of his faraway home, thinking of its comfort and familiarity, wondering what he had missed, curious of what’s waiting for him. It was the only home for him now for although he would always be welcomed, he no longer had the right to ask for anything more than loyalty and familial affection from Kili.

Thorin blinked rapidly in surprise when something cold hit his cheek. He looked up to the sky and saw snow slowly drifting down toward the earth, the first snow of the year. He smiled to the dark and silent night when behind him someone broke into a song of lovers and forever. Maybe one day when Fili found a wife, Erebor would be like this, too, filled with happiness, love, and hope for the future, but Thorin knew with utmost certainty it wouldn’t happen during his reign.

A part of him wanted to stay out here-he didn’t feel fully belong in Kili’s hall-but he warmth and love inside beckoned him. A small smile curled his lips at the memory of the time Kili shared with him, giving him happiness no one else had given him since, and no one else could replicate. Thorin took a deep breath and wiped ice on his lashes. He cleared his throat and, smiling in pride and gladness, walked back inside to join the celebration of love of his One.


End file.
